I Can't Even Read online

  My Shawn.

  Had she liked kissing him? Had he liked kissing her? Was it as big a deal as the worrisome knot in my stomach said it was? But that was not the worst feeling. Wringing deep inside was a sensation of inferiority.

  Lexi was a better woman in every way. She was more mature, graceful, poised, together, and knowledgeable. She was older and wiser. In everything, with everything, she was based. That caused a quelling of my objections to what had been going on. Did I even have any ground to stand on in confronting them? I was shorter than her with less womanly shape. My face was young-looking and immature. I felt as awkward as I had on entering high school as a freshman – as if I didn’t even know how to walk and everyone else around me was so much more adults than I could ever be.

  And then Lexi was on me, arm around my shoulders and leaning close. Suddenly her tongue was in my ear, hot and wet. Shivers cascaded down my arms and back at the surprise attack. She whispered scalding words into my ear, “Mmm, you must come back again soon. It was lovely having you here.”

  I was still reeling… and beginning to feel guilty. Just seconds before, she had her tongue in his mouth and her hand on his crotch. My pussy began aching as my brain connected how fun sex was with Shawn – despite his past acne problems. So maybe they didn’t have sex, but just the sight of them had been…

  I ground my teeth together as a wash of cold sweat ran down my back and a warm rush of tingles raced up from my pussy. Just the sight of them had been beautiful. I was forced to open my mouth and pant for air as my chest constricted and my nipples hardened. Shawn had hardened for her. That beautiful man-part had become engorged in his jeans while it got rubbed and they had kissed.

  It seemed so perfect.

  So right.

  So wrong.

  And where was her husband Dylan?

  Oh, right behind… I lurched forward, turning and lifting my glass in a gesture – any gesture – to look and try to appear cool. I stammered to her, “Oh, uh… M-maybe…”

  Dylan frowned at me. His words impressed so much meaning into each syllable that I wanted to surrender to him and let him make decisions for me. “It was delightful having you here. Not this coming weekend but the next – come back and bring your swim suits.”

  I was busy trying to swallow a gulp of the screwdriver. I croaked, “Two weeks?”

  He made a slow nod of affirmation accompanied by a brief, solemn closure of his eyes.

  But, but… You saw…? I gaped at him and then realized I was doing it. I gulped more screwdriver and finished it off as a way to keep my mouth from running off in wild, indecipherable directions.

  Shawn came over to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I huddled into him. He said, “That sounds great. It’d be nice to swim…”

  Dylan’s eyes dropped down, and then his eyebrows lifted almost imperceptibly. His lips widened noticeably. His eyes flicked up to him and then down to me. The sparkle there was interested, not angered. Surely he had seen his wife kissing my husband? Surely he must be angry?

  But he wasn’t.

  I felt… almost blameless because of it. With everyone acting so cool, I dared not stick my foot in my mouth and sound stupid with anything I might say. I just nodded.

  Shawn asked, “You really think I have a shot at a modeling career? I’ve always worked behind the camera—”

  Lexi moved to him, grabbing his arm and pressing herself against his free side. “Oh, Shawn, are you kidding? Your talents are wasted behind the camera. But, I mean, if that’s what you really like doing, then of course you should keep doing it. People should have hobbies. But modeling? Oh god, yes. You were just perfect on the second shoot.” Her eyes found mine. “And you were… okay with helping him, Bree?”

  I knew what she meant: the magazine and handjob thing. I gulped and tried to maintain some semblance of confidence and normalcy in my voice. “Oh, sure.”

  Her eyes sparkled at me.

  I felt a wave of sensation roll through me at her look, leaving my pussy tingling, my nipples aching, and the knot twisting tighter in my stomach. It was so humiliating and awkward while everyone was pretending nothing had happened.

  I felt lost.

  Lexi pulled on Shawn, away from me.

  In the instant I knew it was happening, it felt right, wrong, and natural. Of course he pulled away from me, disengaging and moving toward her. She said, “I have something to give you, before you go. A small gift. Come on.”

  I didn’t want him to go.

  I wanted to scream it, but all I could do was shiver as if in shock.

  She was so masterful in handling people that I just simply had no chance. And then there was the whole job thing.

  Dylan looked amused.

  Could he read my mind?

  In any event, Lexi and Shawn were only gone for like not even two minutes. He was carrying a canvas file folder with a zip top. It bulged thickly.

  I wanted to ask, but it seemed like we were being ushered out.

  Dylan extended his hand to my empty glass I still clutched like a talisman of protection. “I’ll take that off your hands. It was nice meeting both of you.”

  “Oh, uh, yeah…” I felt dumb and numb.

  Lexi almost danced – moving as if she were shimmying – in front of Shawn. I could tell she wanted to grab him and hug him and more, but her hands gracefully twitched until she just gave him the kind of kiss she had in greeting – chaste, simple, and inoffensive.

  Dylan did not touch me.

  Did I smell or something? Was I just really that unattractive compared to his beautiful wife?

  Would I ever look like a woman to someone? Attractive and worth a smile of interest?

  We were out the door and heading to the car. Shawn handed me the canvas file folder and dug out his keys. The folder was heavy.

  I asked, “What’s this?”

  “Lexi said it was practice material. She said you need to work with me as often as possible before next Saturday.”

  “Practice material?” I got in and shut the door, relieved to be in the ergonomically designed passenger seat of his Mazda. He shut his door and started the car. “Yeah, magazines.”

  A wave of nausea swept through me and the folder felt hot and wrong in my hands. “Oh…” I found myself staring down at it until curiosity drove me to unzip it and pull them out. Were they all Lexi issues? But none of the five covers were her. I opened one up under my husband’s amused and approving gaze.

  I flipped to the women with trepidation. Each and every one was an accusation at me and a demonstration of my unworthiness. No way could I ever be in one of these. My boobs were stupid. I had almost no hips. My shape was more like that of a boy than a woman – straight, blocky, and made me feel ugly.

  I had never thought of myself as ugly before, but these women made me feel it. I asked him, “How do you look at these,” my voice broke, “perfect women and then look at me?”

  He made a scoffing sound and thrust his hand dismissively. “I don’t love them.”

  A particularly attractive redhead caught my eye. She was fearless on the pages, confident and assured of her nudity. She had a perky face but not pixie-like. Her eyes were deep and seductive and her hair had that burnt red appearance. She was… sexy.

  So very sexy.

  My pussy tingled and the ache returned deep inside.

  I wanted to be like her and have this kind of effect on other women. I wanted to be sexy.

  I turned the page with a shaking hand, looking at her face, her eyes, and then her… very nice-looking pussy. I swallowed hard as my chest began vibrating to the thumping of my heart. Her breasts were well-formed but small compared to the few others I had passed as I flipped through. Everything about this redhead named Zenna was playful and sexy. I could imagine her riding a motorcycle instead of posing in a long dress in front of cameras.

  Why couldn’t I be like her?

  I skipped past, panting heavily, and searched the rest of the magazine for any sign of Lexi. The first one was… clean. My boss wasn’t in it.

  But I didn’t get far into the second one before finding her. Lexi was the first spread after several tiny little pictures of nude women scattered throughout the opening of the magazine. She wasn’t the centerfold, but I couldn’t miss her. Her only clothed picture was on a farm backdrop with some real hay on the ground. She was wearing something of a sexy farmer’s daughter outfit – cut jean shorts, rolled up plaid shirt tied under her small breasts, a straw cowboy hat, and boots.

  She looked deliciously sexy.

  Shawn noticed. “Whoa, Lexi is in that one, too?”

  I tried to talk, but couldn’t.

  His sigh of satisfaction sent a shiver up my pussy. “Oh yeah, we’re gonna practice to that one when we get home.”

  I swallowed again - suddenly flush with saliva – and knew I was going to enjoy feeling him in my hands – hard for her.

  I couldn’t wait.

  And I dreaded it.

  CHAPTER 10

  Shawn sat on the couch with the magazines spread around him. I readied his cock with oil and felt it already hardening.

  I was wet.

  I was also still a little… dizzy, but also feeling a little angry now. For… whatever reason I had no clue as to why.

  Clueless.

  Except that I was determined to be a part of his success. After all, I was his wife and that had to mean something, am I right? A lot of people my age chose to dispense with the patriarchal form of oppression and sexism – heterosexual marriage - whereas lesbians and gays more often used marriage now as a political empowering statement of equality.

  Who needed outdated marriage?

  Except that Shawn and I had genuinely, shamefully, felt an attraction to it as cisgender heterosexuals. It just… seemed like the right thing to do. We both had expected to be vilified in social media for doing it, but had received no negative comments from our peers, only congratulations.

  I was his wife.

  I had a hold of his cock.

  This was natural.

  And should I forfeit my claim and let him go off on his own to relax himself with these magazines? I mean, everyone looks at porn. Come on, who doesn’t? It’s everywhere.

  It’s a safe option in an age of potential diseases. Maybe old people got all uptight over porn, but we grew up with it. What was the big deal?

  I stroked him now as he began flipping through pages of the first magazine.

  Nothing wrong with what I was doing, though I still felt angry.

  Was Lexi assuming I had the mindset of a boomer? That I would get all puckered up over the idea of doing something like this? Did she think I had never masturbated by webcam to a guy before?

  Well, I had only done it once with a cute guy named Pete Wilkins when I was seventeen, but I had done it, so let it be said.

  Why might Lexi think I would hesitate to be a helping hand in my husband’s success? Like I might be jealous or something?

  I ground my teeth together and jacked his erection with full strokes up and down.

  He really did have a beautiful cock for a man. I mean like, fuck, did some cocks look disgusting, or what? Bent, discolored, shriveled, unclean, misshapen… At least Shawn’s was perfect in shape and form. It was just too huge for me if I had to throw shade on it for any reason.

  Lexi thinks I am too immature to do this?

  I stroked him angrier.

  He moaned happily, lustily.

  I can do this.

  But I still felt angry.

  I would show her that this was nothing.

  I asked him, “Are you finding anything good?” Porn was a flood of rubbish and ugliness: there was something for everyone. Finding anything decent was often a tasteless journey through blaring and blatant fetishes that turned my stomach. At least with the archaic and outdated magazine finding something wasn’t difficult. It was faster, cleaner, and didn’t come with loud virus warnings.

  He grunted, eyes focused on the pages. No, more like riveted.

  “Let me see.”

  He showed me. A blonde, of course. Although at least it wasn’t Lexi. But this was a cute blonde, not a glamorous boob-job with perfect makeup and bimbo hair. Her hair was curly and short and there was a spread of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Her boobs were almost as small as mine, but looked better. She had a hand down spreading her lips and showing her hole. Then he turned the magazine back to himself.

  Oh well, at least I got a peek. I stroked him faster before I remembered that it needed to be slow and relaxing in the build to climax. “Do you like her?”

  He sighed, excited. “Yeah, she’s cute.”

  Again, I stroked a little faster; I couldn’t help it. Not only was his shaft hard and throbbing in my grip, but my pussy was definitely wet and achy. My clit tingled with muted excitement. Whatever the drinks had been – those screwdrivers – it made everything feel as if it were behind a wall of cotton.

  My wrist began to ache, so I stopped while he flipped more pages and then selected another magazine. I oiled up my other hand and applied both of them to his cock.

  I marveled at the male erection – so perfect and hard and straight. So yummy for the pussy: invasive; persistent; and demanding. Everything a girl needed. Except for a good tongue, of course.

  I used both hands and slid them up and down his shaft – worshipping it and trying not to drool. I twisted both my grips in a gentle wringing motion as I slid them.

  Shawn lifted his hips off the couch, moaning with enthusiasm. “Yeah…”

  His hard shaft throbbed and jerked.

  I had him close, but I wasn’t stopping. Maybe it was the anger at my boss thinking I was too childish or something. “Did you find a good one?”

  “Oh yeah…”

  I began using total fuck motions, up and down from the tip to the base. “Do it. Fuck her. Fuck her deep.”

  He trembled and moaned. His hand touched my wrist, staying my motions. “Too much; wait a sec.”

  I stopped and let go to ease up on his imminent ejaculation. “Let me see what you picked.”

  He looked sheepish and showed me.

  It was Lexi. The full page picture was the one where she was in the straw hat, leaning back against some bales of hay, and spreading her legs out wide in invitation. Her pussy was thrust forward, open and glistening, while her eyes sparkled at the camera. It was a beautiful picture.

  He turned it back to himself. “Okay, go ahead.”

  I stroked him with trembling hands. “Do you like her?” I’m not sure where that came from or why, but he misunderstood.

  “Yeah, it’s a really sexy pose.”

  I hadn’t meant the picture. And maybe that was just as well because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. Let him think I meant the picture. Whew, escaped that embarrassing moment. “Do it, fuck her.” I made deep motions with my hands.

  He sighed low and ragged. “Oh yeah, ungh…”

  He was so excited that it excited me. I slid my hands up and down his shaft like a pussy. “Does she feel good?” My pussy ached.

  “Yes…”

  “Fuck her, Shawn. Fuck her hard.” I rammed both hands down on his erection, up and down, simulating a hard-riding pussy.

  His mouth was open and he was panting. A drip of drool from the corner of his lips slowly extended unnoticed. His eyes were locked on the page about halfway down in the center: on Lexi’s pussy.

  At least with a magazine, it was safe. I urged him, “Look at her pussy. Fuck it. Fuck it hard. Come on, Shawn, do it.” My pussy throbbed and tingled, and my stomach churned and twisted. Either I was going to be sick or I was going to have an orgasm. In my somewhat drunken state, I couldn’t tell which.

  He shattered my composure with a strangled, “Oh fuck yeah! I want to fuck her so bad…”

  Annoyed that it had to be her, I dispensed with the go-slow method; I wanted it to be over. Maybe tomorrow he would find a different picture – after all, there were several other magazines. I asked him, “Are you imagining her?” It was a stupid question, but I sort of wanted to know if he was just getting off on the magazine or the idea.

  “Yeah.”

  Which was the wrong answer in my book. Now I really just wanted him to get it over with and finish. I jacked my hands up and down as hard as I could. “Fuck her! Do it!”

  He groaned heavily and lifted his hips. His eyes did not leave the page – her pussy. “Yeah… yeah… I want to fuck her… so bad…”

  “Do it, Shawn. Feel her pussy on your cock—”

  His shaft swelled and jerked. A spray of cum shot up and out. His erection pulsed, sending strong squirts up into the air.

  My pussy convulsed and clenched with spasms that were almost orgasmic, but not.

  He panted heavily, thrusting his hips up and down and forced his twitching, cumming cock through my fingers. “Oh yeah… Lexi…”

  I felt the inflamed thrill of his nasty stimulation churn inside me, and I jacked his lust rapidly – stoking and coaxing his lust out of him.

  I also felt the sick certainty seethe within me that he was indeed attracted to her and that a tug of war had begun that I was certain to lose.

  CHAPTER 11

  I spent a week helping him and I began to look forward to it, despite the feeling that I was walking the razor edge of doom.

  There was something sexy about holding onto his male erection and feeling it pulse as I coaxed him with my words and hands. It felt powerful and provocative. Surely, I was helping to make his prospects as a model be the best they could be.

  When Lexi picked him up on Saturday for their trip to see the client, I kissed his lips with a quick peck of confidence covering the worry that he was slipping away.

  My boss had recommended that I help him with it at least once a day and I did. Unfortunately, even though he looked at all the magazines, he always ended with Lexi.

  I could handle that; it was just a magazine picture. It wasn’t like a webcam or anything. Except for that sick sensation inside me.

  It was only after he left that it even occurred to me that they might do more than just sit in the car for the ride to the big cheese’s house. What would they be talking about? Would she try to flirt with him? Put her hand on his leg? After seeing her run her hands all over his chest before she knew he was my husband, the idea she might touch his knee didn’t seem shocking.